Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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