I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
