i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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