He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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