get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
