people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
