Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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