We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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