She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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