In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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