i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
