i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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