i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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