trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
