Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
