please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
