I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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