The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
There's always time for handjobs
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
NoShamevember. You game?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
