my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
