it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
