I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Randomize
