I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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