I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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