I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
