Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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