ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
