Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
