Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Found your dick twin last night
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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