this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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