Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
