just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
