Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
