Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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