you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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