hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
