New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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