Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It's blow job season.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
