I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
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