so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
