Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
