Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
