do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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