She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
