When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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