Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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