Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
