I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have feelings that need drinking.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
