Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
