There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
