Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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