wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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