if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
