God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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