How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
