'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
