come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
