i love accidental penises.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
